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Used to be that when you arrived at OR Tambo Airport (the main airport in Johannesburg, and the main port of entry into the country) you’d pretty much be stuck. If you were silly enough not to arrange a shuttle transfer, or book into a hotel with a complimentary shuttle, that is, as people tend to do when they hail from countries with actual public transport systems. So there you’d be, after a 14-hour flight or so, choosing between paying a king’s ransom for a metered cab or, well, or nothing. That was pretty much it.

Until early June 2010, when the ambitious Gautrain finally came into action. It’s part subway, party above-ground train, but half of its purpose in life is to transport you to and from the airport, and in considerable style too.

Trust us, there’s just no comparison. The trip between Joburg airport and Sandton – which is almost certainly where you want to go – can take anything up to three hours by car, thanks to a badly overloaded freeway system. The Gautrain airport express does the same thing in 12 minutes flat, thanks to a top speed of 160 kilometers per hour, conveniently, safely, and pretty damn cheaply too. It’ll change your entire experience of Johannesburg.

The Gautrain waiting for it's first ride.

The seats on the train are very comfy.

Four things need to know about the Gtrain:
* The last run is at 8:30pm every night. Yes, we also think that is silly, and we’re working on them to institute a night service.

* In peak hours, morning and afternoon, there is a train every 12 minutes. The rest of the day your maximum wait will be 20 minutes, and on weekends it goes up to 30 minutes.

* There is a direct run to Sandton, the posh area with the most hotels in the whole country, and the most expensive ones too. Other routes will be opening up soon, including one into the heart of the capital, Pretoria. Bus networks use the stations as nodes, so you can get pretty much anywhere you are likely to need to go.

* It is the safest and cheapest way to escape the airport. Seriously. You’d have to spring for a very luxurious taxi indeed to beat the air conditioning, and nothing short of a helicopter transfer will move you faster.

Details of pricing and routes can be found at the official Gautrain site.

Maropeng is a miniature theme park disguised as a museum of  anthropology. Human remains are the centrepiece, but this is not a bizarre as it may sound. If fossils are your thing, you definitely need to get there, but even if you are just vaguely interested in the history of the world, and your own (ancient) heritage, it is worth the trip of about 40 kilometers from downtown Johannesburg.

Australopitheicus sediba

Maropeng means “returning to the place of origin” in Setswana, and that is more than just marketing hyperbole. Remember, the region it is in, the Cradle of Humankind, has a pretty solid claim to be where modern mankind first emerged. Which is why it has the not inconsiderable status of being a World Heritage Site.

Any half-decent tourist map will list it, and any half-decent tourist establishment will be able to arrange transport there. If you have a 4×4 vehicle handy, you can get there via more scenic dirt roads, but the cheapest hire car will also do. You won’t have much trouble finding the entrance; it is guarded by seven monoliths that will just about make you hear the sound of drums and the opening to ‘Thus spake Zarathustra’.

The building that houses the entrance and some other stuff (most of the complex is underground) is similarly appropriate, if just a little creepy. Calling it a giant burial mound would be fair, but it is more appropriately referred to as a tumulus. That’s the kind of thing you’ll learn on one of the guided tours, which is worth hooking up with for a little while before you peel off to wander about on your own.

Tumulus at Maropeng

There is a theme to the whole place, and there are replicas of the famous Mrs Ples and Little Foot fossils found at the Sterkfontein Caves. But that’s not the good part. The good part starts with the boat ride (light splashing allowed), and the vortex thingey. Like a ride at any good amusement park – or a walk-through, as in this case – a strong stomach is required. If you have a problem with vertigo, do the smart thing and use the cowardly escape route.

Having braved the waters and the tunnel, you arrive at the display halls with their made-for-kids interactive exhibits. There are great big buttons for you to press and lots of moving parts and, if you insist, a vast amount of information to be had from videos and graphics. The choice is yours: light entertainment or serious education, or maybe something in between.

Ironically, the fossils seem to be the least interesting of all the exhibitions. Dry bones just aren’t that exciting, no matter how you display them. But whatever you do, don’t leave without talking to the Dodo.

Talk to a Dodo at Maropeng.

You can do the whole Maropeng thing in about three or four hours, including driving time, but if you have a whole day available it’s worth buying a package entry and also going to the nearby Sterkfontein caves.

The Maropeng Visitor Centre is open to the public from 09h00 to 17h00 every day.

Standard entry fee:

Adults: R105
Children (4-14 years): R60
Pensioners/Students: R75 (on production of a valid pensioner/student card)

The combination Maropeng/Sterkfontein tickets are only available until 1pm, so don’t leave it too late if you want to do both.

The price of these are:
Adults: R175
Children (4-14 years): R102

Maropeng
Tel: +27 (0) 14 577 9000
http://www.maropeng.co.za/
GPS co-ordinates: 25°40′39.07”S, 27°55′32.01”E

If you intend renting a car, or traveling in a car, or just walking on the pavement in South Africa, you need to be aware of (and beware) the South Africa phenomenon called the minibus taxi. Travelling in one can result in anything from a ‘hail mary’ to a ‘goodbye world’, though it is hard to make generalisations as they follow no rules and can not be anticipated. They will stop in front of you whenever is convenient for them, they will pass you on the right, or by cutting in front of oncoming traffic. They will try to turn right from the extreme left lane. They will drive on verges and almost run you off the road trying to gap in. What they won’t do is give you any warning.

You may learn any new number of expletives in South Africa if you drive with your window open in traffic and listening to colourful names taxis and their drivers are called. It would be best not to repeat these in polite company even if your South African friend was the one driving at the time and yelling these words out of his window. Our road rage is taboo, at least when not on the road.

Don’t be startled by all the honking. Taxi drivers aren’t hooting at you, or even other road users. They are signaling to pedestrians that there is space available on the taxi. It’s a kind of “open for business” sign, except a loud and annoying one.

Do not antagonise taxi drivers. They have been know to ram people off the road and bitchslap them silly when angered. Some may carry guns. Passengers on taxis know better than to contradict a driver; they may be forcible evicted without a refund. They are not likely to come to your aid.

The speed at which they travel creates an effect mostly seen only in Star Trek. Image by Sacks08, kindly made available under a Creative Commons licence.

In Taxiland, a driver is competing with other drivers for cash, and the fastest one wins. The more passengers you carry, the money money you make. Taxis will cross a busy street from one pavement to the opposite side to pick up passengers. Passengers sacrifice convenience and safety for money too; a ride that would cost hundreds of rands in a one-person taxi is reduced to a handful of rands, through the inherent efficiency of cramming a 12-seater with eighteen people.

If you plan to use a taxi, and they’re both convenient and a great story to tell back home, the rules are simple. You don’t get to choose, so you may end up a in a brand new vehicle or something held together by chewing gum and the collective faith of the passengers. Don’t complain about this. Have change on you, because you’ll be pariah if you try to pay for a short trip with a R100 note. Once the taxi starts up, hand over your fare to the person in front of you. Don’t worry, it will reach the driver without going missing.

Most of all, though, be patient. Pretty much anyone you pass in the street will be able to direct you to the nearest taxi rank or pickup point (which will always be within walking distance, except in the most godforsaken rural areas), but that doesn’t mean you’ll be aboard a vehicle soon. This is the major, and often only, form of transport for much of our population, so queues can stretch forever, especially in peak times.

Right. Need to find a taxi rank to try out your skills? Here is a list of the major ones in Johannesburg: http://bit.ly/taxiranks

As a visitor to our lovely land, you might be well-versed in the use of escalators. Don’t fool yourself in thinking you know how to use these in SA. There are people who will tell you that by riding an escalator, you’re accepting some unstated rules of etiquette. These people are usually foreigners. They have escalators that run the length of a soccer pitch. And the foot traffic – let’s not even go there.

Image by Morgatek, licensed under Creative Commons for commercial use.

When it comes to escalators, South Africans don’t have any standard etiquette. It’s true. For us laid-back and nice locals, escalators are ways to get somewhere with the least effort possible. We like that – no effort with all the rewards. They are places to have a quick catch-up as you move past a friend going the opposite ways. Or to zone out. Or to make out on. It’s just how we roll.

So here are a few things about  local escalator usage to bear in mind.

Locals tend not to hold the hand-rails: who knows what’s been there before us. Ick.  If  these sharp-edged moving steel staircases suddenly stop working, all hell will break loose. It’s known to happen. There was a famous Joburg airport incident. Google it.

Another difficult thing about being behind a local on the escalator, is that we tend to stop unexpectedly. (Perhaps we’re chatting on our phones and need to find a pen to write down that pastry chef’s phone-number for the dinner party we’re having three months from now.) Don’t try to predict when this might happen or hope for the best. We’ll outfox every time. But whatever the reason, be prepared.

Some South Africans will vacillate at the entrance or exit of an escalator. You might be tempted to approach them and try to squeeze past. Don’t.  Still others will take the path of least resistance and cross the opposite lane of traffic to exit or enter the escalator. Again take it in your stride. Being calm is the key to using escalators here.

Seesaws for the lazy.

This, however, is the most important thing to know: do not mess with a South African already riding the escalator. As a rule, we don’t stand to one side and let people pass by. Not because we’re difficult; we just don’t have escalators that demand that kind of commitment. And it is a commitment. If you come from a city with a subway, get over it. Welcome to SA; don’t anger the locals.

If you’re in a hurry, what do you do? Stand and wait or push past?  Sigh loudly or clear your throat? There is a way out.

Luckily for all visitors, this is where the nice comes in.  In the spirit of Ubuntu, if you ask nicely (we’re very fond of nice) we’ll happy let you pass on by. No bloodshed. No problem.

Just remember to choose wisely. If the big guy in front of you is snogging his girlfriend – don’t tap him politely on the shoulder. Saving those few seconds is not worth it.