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Coffee culture hasn’t hit South Africa as hard or fast as it has the USA, but you can still find a decent single-shot decaffeinated skimmed-milk cappuccino with extra foam, if know where to look for it. Not from two identical Starbucks on opposite sides of the road so you don’t even have to cross the street for your fix, but it’s an improvement on where we were ten years ago.

As you would expect, the really excellent stuff is only to be found at small, one-off places hidden away in odd corners of Johannesburg and Cape Town, and you’ll need a local guide to find those and to give you the password you’ll need at the door.

But if you aren’t quite that discerning (but need your fix done right or else) there are still plenty of options. The three main contenders among the chain coffee outlets are Seattle, Vida and Lulu. The difference between the three are really a matter of personal preference; each has well-trained baristas and will serve you only the finest beans.

Seattle outlets are usually the easiest to find, as you would expect from a chain that is as direct a rip-off of Starbucks as they can get away with. Almost all are attached to Exclusive Books outlets, a chain of book stores, and you can find an Exclusive Books in any decent-sized mall.

There are some Vida and Lulu outlets in malls too, but many of them are in smaller, quirkier locations. Look out for the signs as you drive through the funkier parts of town, the ones with lots of restaurants and pavement cafes.

A fourth worthy contender, and your best friend in the slightly more rural parts of the country, are the Woolworths Cafes. These are attached to the larger Woolworths outlets, the ones that sell both food and clothes (not to be confused with Woolworths Food stores, which are smaller). Their coffee is as good as any of the other three and they’ll happily make a take-away. There is now, finally, one at OR Tambo Airport (Jo’burg International) that is open pretty much any time you’ll be transiting through there. And best of all, you can find these in places like Bloemfontein and Tzaneen. Any more rural than that and you are on your own.

A word to the wise, however. The most virulent retail coffee brand, the one you’ll encounter most often, is called the Mugg & Bean. Take that double G as a warning. They make a mean sandwich, but steer clear of the coffee.

It’s cured. Dried. Preserved using what is typically a closely-guarded mixture of herbs and spices in a vinegar solution. And it’s called biltong (pronounced with equal emphasis: the piece of paper that tells you how much you owe + the clamping device used in food-preparation, typically found in the kitchen). It is one of South Africa’s most universally enjoyed delicacies, and speaking ill of it in public will earn you derision at the very least.

Biltong has a long and splendid history; it kept many an early white settler alive as they trekked through the mountains in their ox wagons. But it hasn’t been a white thing for a long time (as long as black people have been able to afford it, anyway). You can find the proof at any sufficiently high-end corporate function, one with the little tables dotted everywhere with bowls of peanuts and whatnot on them. If one of those bowls contains sliced biltong then it will be mobbed and cleaned out within seconds of the guests being let at it. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to keep the staff from pilfering it before the doors are even opened.

South Africans have more kinds of biltong than you can shake a stick at, and arguments between aficionados of different types can easily flare up into holy war, so beware. The most common, and cheapest, is beef; the country is awash in cattle and red meat is cheaper here than anywhere outside of South America. In the race for national favourite, however, it is a close tie between Springbok and Kudu, with Gemsbok and Eland tied for third and fourth.

You can find biltong literally anywhere, thanks to the mass production of recent years and the distribution to 24-hour garage shops in convenient snack-sized packs. And you can trust those packets in the garage shops; those manufacturers are closely watched by the retailers, who know their stuff. But for the the best biltong you want to find yourself a specialty retailer. Almost any decent-sized mall will have a little biltong kiosk somewhere, with the goods sold by weight and open for you to make your own selection. Most have knowledgeable staff too.

The other variation, aside from the type of meat, is the form factor. You’ll find pre-prepared packs that are sliced, chunked or in what are known as “TV sticks”. At better retailers you’ll also find the whole slabs as they are cut and dried and velle or skins, which are big pieces sliced so thinly as to be transparent.

If you don’t love chilli in all its forms it may be best to steer away from the “chilli bites” or similarly named types, though. Those bastards can pack one helluva punch. Droëwors (dry sausage; don’t even try to pronounce it) may also not be your friend unless you like fatty stuff. It’s good, but it’s not everybody’s cup of tea.

So Dullstroom (as you know, if you’ve read our quick guide to it), has a whole lot of restaurants for a place so miniscule. One thing it is remarkably short of, though, is decent vegetarian fare. There’s plenty of trout, unsurprisingly enough, and the usual flash-frozen vegetarian lasagne that should have been declared a crime against humanity years ago. But if you are looking for something a little exotic or exciting, you are bang out of luck.

Or so we thought, until we discovered the 2Chefs Bistro. It’s on the main drag but tucked away in a corner and not particularly well sign-posted. Look for the hugely and gaudily branded Rose Cottage, then turn your back on it, cross the street, and you are there. Doesn’t look like much, does it? Now ignore the decor and look at the menu instead.

We can’t promise that it will be there for much longer, because it’s not pulling the kind of traffic that a restaurant needs to make a decent profit. But while it’s there, it’s really worth a visit. The long list of vegetarian dishes is varied and amazing. They serve a mean ostrich, and the usual tea-garden menu is pretty snazzy in itself.

This is not a high-volume joint, so each dish is prepared with attention to detail. And the serving staff are always glad to see you and, more importantly, your tips.

If you do go to Dullstroom (and don’t say we didn’t warn you when you get bored), give it a try and let us know what you think.

The official address:
2Chefs Bistro
Willobrook Centre
Naledi Drive
Dullstroom
Tel: 013 254 0920

Dullstroom is one of those tourist traps that attracts more locals than foreigners. It’s about three hours out of Johannesburg and Pretoria – close enough to be a weekend escape for Safricans, but a little too out of the way for most tourists. Except the ones who want to fly-fish for trout. Dullstroom is smack in the middle of the only real fly fishing area in the country (though parts of the Western Cape do pretend to the throne.)
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That, unfortunately, is about all that Dullstroom has to offer. The scenery isn’t bad, so you can do the hiking or horse-riding thing, but frankly there are more spectacular places to do that all over the country. The major attraction, and we ain’t kidding, is the fact that it has the highest railway station in the country (just over 2 000 meters above sea level). So, with a flood of bored housewives abandoned by their fishing husbands and desperately eager to spend money somehow, Dullstroom has been transformed into a cute little shopping village. There is an astounding amount of ugly contemporary art, beadwork and suchlike on sale all over the place. The town also has some unexpected speciality stores, such as one offering nothing but clocks, mostly grandfather clocks.

It also has an incidence of restaurants that is utterly outrageous given the size and location of the town – and here you can find some of the finest trout dishes served anywhere in the world.

We’re not all that into Dullstroom – we bore too easily – but it’s a good place to run away to if you need to get out of the cities but still want to stay somewhere with running water, underfloor heating and satellite television.

Speaking of heating, beware of Dullstroom and surrounds in the winter. The place gets cold, really, really cold. It is no accident that the town features a fairly large purveyor of ski clothing. Take a scarf, and if you are staying over enquire as to the availability of fire places and electric blankets. If your car’s heater is broken, don’t go.

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Howzzzt recommends: 2Chefs Bistro, Dullstroom